


Don't Hide Yourself

by DragonofFernweh



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Coming Out, Gender Confusion, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Noctis, M/M, supportive prompto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 12:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11379951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonofFernweh/pseuds/DragonofFernweh
Summary: Noctis knows who he's supposed to be, but it doesn't necessarily align with how he really feels, and that's something he's struggled with for a long time. When he finally starts to explore the world of gender identity and finds something he relates with, something that he doubts anyone else would ever understand, he's left feeling isolated and caged. He can only think of one person who maybe, sort of, might not freak out on him. If only he can gain the courage to actually get it over with.





	Don't Hide Yourself

_Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself._

ღ

Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crown Prince of Insomnia, held a title that came with a plethora of responsibility. Countless ones, from the exhausting training sessions to the even more draining lessons with Ignis, to charity work and meetings with his father and other important people whose names always escaped Noctis. Not to mention the trials and tribulations of high school, where Noctis was a junior. With a crown and a pile of homework resting on his young head, Noctis had enough problems to worry about every day, he didn’t think he had any room in either his mind or his heart for another. Yet, there he was, lying in bed and being kept awake by a problem that wasn’t even important. Well, not to anyone else. Noctis was personally feeling a little sick over it, but with everything else resting on his shoulders, he couldn’t bear focusing on it for long. He’d thought the pressing feelings would go away if he ignored them and shoved them into a box like he did with so many other things. What kind of prince had such a stupid problem?

What kind of prince didn’t understand his own gender identity?

Noctis groaned and rolled over, tucking his pillow close to his stomach. He’d scarcely said those words even in his own head; gender identity, something he’d never had to think about. He’d always been…well, the prince. That alone had been almost all Noctis’ identity, there wasn’t room for much else, so he hadn’t bothered. As a kid, it hadn’t mattered as much, but as Noctis grew older, he started noticing he was a little different. Maybe it was because he only grew up around Gladio and Ignis for a while, two boys who were very in tune with their masculinity. It wasn’t until Noctis was sent to stay with Luna for some time that he found how much he connected with not only her, but the way she behaved. He didn’t know how to put it into words, only that it resonated with him. Noctis had liked the way Luna dressed, the way her mother would put a little makeup on her when Luna asked. Ever since the time spent with Luna, Noctis had taken more of an interest in more feminine things. Stuff that made Gladio tease him, but it wasn’t like Noctis ever actually went as far as to dress like a girl or anything, he just...wanted to. Sort of.

Noctis was starting to feel nauseous, and if he woke up in the morning with a stomachache, Ignis was going to lecture him about his diet or stress-levels or some other crap that only Ignis worried about. Tonight wasn’t the first Noctis had spent mulling over questions he had no answer to, questions that weren’t even fully formed. It wasn’t until about a year ago that he’d even thought to look up the way he felt. It’d been some childish hopefulness that made him wish someone, at least one other person, had felt the same weirdness going on.

Turned out, it was way more than one person.

Noctis had stumbled upon the concept of “gender identity” and the plausibility that you could actually identify as something other than what was given to you. He had never once questioned it. His father didn’t, his friends didn’t, no one at school did, they all used the same male pronouns. It wasn’t until he started sifting through articles and blogs filled with information that he started to doubt himself. There were people asking the same questions he had, and other people answering them in ways that weren’t condescending or teasing. All sorts of new information filled Noctis’ head. Different identities, what they meant, other peoples’ experiences. Noctis had stumbled through several paragraphs, struggling to connect with something he read. He didn’t think he was transgender—it wasn’t like he hated male pronouns or felt like he was in the wrong body…not all the time. Agender didn’t register with him either. It wasn’t until Noctis stumbled across a single word, a friendly person discussing their ordeals and struggles with coming to terms with enjoying things no matter their “gendered aim” or whatever.

Genderfluid.

The person described feeling like both a boy and a girl. Sometimes only one, sometimes both at once. They talked about their experiences dressing both masculine and feminine, days that they liked wearing a full face of makeup or days they liked going bare and wearing a binder to present as a boy for the day. They even spoke about switching pronouns…how their friends would sometimes use he/him or she/her depending on how they were dressed that day. Noctis had never been so brave as to even try reaching outside of the bubble of his assigned sex, but nothing had ever resonated with him so deeply. He’d held onto that information for several months, unable to even fully talk about it to himself. It wasn’t like he could say anything, right? If that got out, news outlets would run wild with it. Noctis had gotten all sorts of good resources during his research, but he’d also seen tons of hateful, sick things people had to say about those who didn’t align with their assigned sex.

It scared the hell out of him. He couldn’t let any reporters learn of it, or they’d drag his name through the mud, and probably his father’s, too. No, Noctis didn’t want word to get out, his father wouldn’t get it, anyway. Any possible threats or enemies to the kingdom could probably use it against them, too. “Confused Prince of Lucis Born a Freak” or “Young Teen Prince goes Through Weird Phase” would be the headlines. Noctis had thought he could keep it to himself, maybe it was just a phase and it’d pass, but he’d felt that way for years. Just because he’d only discovered a name for it recently didn’t erase all the time he’d felt that way. He wanted to be okay with his little secret, but it was hard. He felt cramped and suffocated by it, drowning in his own confusion and inability to be who he wanted.

If only he could tell someone, _anyone,_ but neither Ignis nor Gladio would understand. Ignis might accept it, but Gladio would probably struggle a little…Noctis was struggling with it, himself. He just wanted a confidant. There was one person that came to mind, but Noctis had been afraid to share his discovery. He had one friend, what if he ruined that with his fucking confusing weirdness?

No, no, his best friend wasn’t like that. Maybe he would be confused, but hell, so was Noctis. He just needed to get it off his chest. He didn’t need understanding, at least, he didn’t think so…just to get it out there so it wasn’t sitting on his lungs.

Noctis decided. He’d tell Prompto tomorrow.

* * *

 

Yeah, Noctis had been right about waking up with a stomachache. He’d only just sat up at the fourth knock on his door before he leaned over and threw up into the trash bin near his bed. His morning after that had been filled with an assortment of tea, medicine, a lecture, and a cool hand against his forehead. All the while, Noctis was assuring Ignis it was nothing but a fluke and that he was fine. It was just nerves, but it wasn’t like he could tell Iggy that. He’d be all over Noctis with questions.

Now that he was finally at school, Noctis wished he’d taken Ignis up on his suggestion of staying at home. His apartment sounded miles better than sitting in this stupid classroom, feeling alien in his own skin and dreading seeing Prompto. He knew the blond would see that something was wrong nearly immediately. Noctis would rather talk to his best friend in the comfort of his own home, though. He just had to make it through the day. A day full of teachers droning, kids gossiping, and Noctis somehow managing to get the right answers even when his head was nothing but static. Seeing Prompto was a little more challenging, but Noctis was careful to offer the proper reactions to his friend’s jokes or conversation. A laugh here, a mumble of agreement there…it wasn’t until they were walking home that Prompto finally dug his elbow into Noctis’ side.

“Dude, you’ve been out of it all day. Something the matter? Gladio kick your ass too hard?” Prompto snickered, but Noctis didn’t miss the touch of genuine concern. It never failed to make his heart swell when he was reminded how much Prompto seriously cared about him. Not the prince, but _Noctis._

“When doesn’t he?” Noctis grumbled, unable to resist. He shrugged his shoulders in as innocuous a manner as possible, which turned out, wasn’t all that much. That was it, he had to force the admission out before he lost his drive. “I need to talk to you about something.” Those words made Noctis’ stomach do flips inside him, but he couldn’t take them back. He could come up with a lie, go back to keeping the secret to himself, couldn’t he? What if this was a huge mistake?

“Oh god,” Prompto groaned, covering his cheeks. “You know how dangerous those words are? Those are words feared by people everywhere! What happened? Is it prince stuff? Did you kill a guy? Do we have to go on the run?”

Noctis rolled his eyes fondly at Prompto’s motormouth. Actually, telling Prompto he’d killed someone might be easier. Maybe. “It’s nothing like that, don’t have a heart attack,” the prince laughed, nudging his friend with his shoulder. “Besides, going on the run? Gladio would skin both of us.”

“I welcome that right now, that calculus final was killer and I don’t wanna see my grade,” Prompto pouted as he complained about the test. It was welcome background noise as they headed to Noct’s apartment, but once they reached the door, Noctis realized how close he was to sharing his secret with Prompto. His heart had started to race, giving him the shakes that made him miss the keyhole the first try. A second try (and a joke about being drunk from Prompto) later saw the two boys inside, where Prompto dropped his bag on the floor and his body onto the couch with all the familiarity of someone who lived there. Hell, he practically did.

“So, what is it you wanted to tell me?” the blond asked, his eyes round and curious and _wow_ Noctis was finding it hard to breathe. Why was this so difficult?

Taking a seat on the couch, as far away as he could sit from Prom, Noctis slowly sank down. “Um,” he started, with eloquence that would have made Ignis rap him on the head with a book. How did he even start? What was he supposed to say? What was he going to do if Prompto thought he was a freak and left?!

“Buddy, you okay? You’re lookin’ kinda pale there,” Prompto asked, inching closer and waving his hand in front of Noctis’ face. It snapped the prince out of his burgeoning panic enough for him to take a slow breath.

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” Noctis finally managed, and it’s pretty much the truth. He’d wanted to tell someone, and Prompto was the best person. Prompto leaned back a bit, cocking his head like a waiting puppy as he silently encouraged Noctis to go on. It was rare to see Noctis so serious, so Prompto was a little worried about what was about to come out of his friend’s mouth. But, whatever it was, they could get through it.

With another breath that did little to soothe the burning in his chest, Noctis clenched his hands and felt his nails digging into his palms. This was it, he could do this, just spit it out! If he could stammer through royal decrees, he could damn sure do this. “I don’t…I don’t think I’m a guy. Not fully. It’s—it’s confusing,” Noctis awkwardly tried to explain, his head ducked so he wouldn’t have to look at Prompto, who was staying oddly silent. Noctis wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. “I’ve been reading about some stuff and found some of it sounded a lot like me, and I’ve felt this way for a long time and I—I think…I’m genderfluid.” Noctis had started rambling before he finally, dreadfully, _thankfully,_ whispered the final word. It was out there, and somehow it felt anticlimactic, but also world-shattering all in the same beat. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Prompto, anxiously waiting on the blond to say something, anything, but just having gotten it out felt incredibly relieving.

“That’s what you were so worried about telling me?” Prompto’s voice filtered through the haze of Noctis’ own self-hate, making it completely freeze over. Noctis raised his head to look up at his friend, too shocked to respond at first. Prompto beamed a gentle smile. “What? That’s totally cool. I’m glad you told me, buddy.”

A weak, incredulous laugh shuddered through Noctis. Had he really been so terrified to tell Prompto this? Prompto, his best friend, who’d started to plan their lives on the run not even half an hour ago? Prompto would support Noctis through _anything,_ he’d had no reason to be afraid.

Noctis didn’t realize his eyes had started to mist over until Prompto was leaning over and throwing his arms around Noctis’ shoulders with a quiet “oh, Noct” whispered.

Noctis hadn’t felt this light in months.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I won’t fall further down FFXV writing hell.
> 
> Also me: …however
> 
> So, here we are at 2:30am. I wrote out this headcanon and wanted to run with it. I identify as genderfluid, therefore this is based on my experiences, largely. Though I didn’t really come out to anyone, I just put it in my bios like “hey guys here I am, bye!” so that was a fun surprise. I deeply resonate with the months of disgust and confusion, though. Like, that sucked, and I still go through periods where I feel trapped. It’s tough, especially without anyone to talk to about it. Just remember you aren’t alone. I got you, bb.
> 
> The main part of this headcanon I was crying about to my friends is that Prompto is the first person Noctis told, but I also like believing that he’s the only one to think to ask Noctis what pronouns to use for that day, maybe helps Noct out with figuring out makeup or getting the confidence to wear a dress out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a second chapter, so I wanted to share these other headcanons, bc they’re so important to me? ? ? I would someday like to explore the identity more and write Noctis' tentatively starting to use "she/her" pronouns at some point tbh.


End file.
